I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
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He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
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In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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