Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
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I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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