I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
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I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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