I think I won the penis lottery.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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