I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just cropdusted the office
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
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At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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