your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
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You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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