I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
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I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
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she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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