Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
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Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
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My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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