We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
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Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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