I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
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