if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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