hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize