u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
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I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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