I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
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She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
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Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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