I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize