Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
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i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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