It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize