Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Operation Purity has been aborted
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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