dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
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definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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