i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
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I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
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He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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