A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
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Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
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We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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