Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
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When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
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Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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