Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You smell like stripper and shame
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize