I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
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I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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