hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
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I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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