Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
one might say we're banned from that church
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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