I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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