I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
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Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
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Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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