I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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