So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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