you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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