You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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