I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
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My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
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Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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