I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
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I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
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she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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