my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
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Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize