normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
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If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
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My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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