did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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