theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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