Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
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If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
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Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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