I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
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its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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