So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
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I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
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He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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