I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
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I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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