I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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