Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
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She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
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WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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