I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
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Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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