I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
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I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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