i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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