Got a toothbrush?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize