high people should be assigned attendants
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
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I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
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You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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