I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
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And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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